Remember when you were a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

The coffee I'm drinking tastes weird. I'm still housesitting. I'm not fully convinced the coffee hasn't been here since my great-grandparents moved in. And that was . . . family? A little help here?

That's the bad thing about pet/housesitting. I don't know where anything is and my normal food staples are not everyone else's staples. Like the other night? I was having pizza. And I tore the cabinets apart looking for Tabasco sauce. I couldn't find any and I almost cried. Seriously, what self-respecting person (especially in my family) does not have at least one bottle of hot sauce in their house.

I went swimming yesterday because it was 90 degrees and sunny and I couldn't justify sitting in the air conditioning all day long watching movies. When I got to the pool, Heidi and her boyfriend were already there. After about five minutes of us acting like idiots, and very loud idiots at that, in the pool, the one other occupant grabbed her baby and left. No, I'm not counting the baby as an occupant, it just sits there in its stroller pooping and drooling and eating and making it unacceptable for me to say things like penis and shit and douchebag and THAT'S NOT FAIR.

Anyway. So they left. Which is good, because Nick spent the next twenty minutes alternating between trying to drown Heidi, diving under the water, and wandering around the pool in front of the windows that look into the clubhouse . . . all with half of his ass hanging out. On purpose. I have been scarred for life. Seriously, the last thing I expected to hear at the pool yesterday was my roommate screaming, "Nick, put your ass away!"

After two hours at the pool, I did not get sunburnt (yeah! take that, SUN, you bastard!) but my body did explode with freckles. Because I am normally the whitest girl in the history of white girldom, I already have a lot of freckles, but the sun acts like some kind of freckle aphrodisiac and causes them to get all up on each other and multiply*. Yes, I did just say "get all up on each other" in regards to my freckles and no, I am not ashamed and neither are my freckles.

*Seriously. I even got some on my EARS. And eyelids. If I could put my hair in pigtails I'd look like a fucking five year old.