Dear Internets, if you give me your phone number, YOU TOO could be on the receiving end of voicemails like this one, just an example of the voicemails I leave (sober) for my friends weekly. OK, daily.
Me: Heeeeeey [friend] it's me. Just driving home from work. I was bored so I left early. I hate my job. Although, where else can I sit and surf the internet for hours on end? Except at home. But no one pays me to surf the internet at home. Wouldn't it be awesome if they did? Anyway, I'm on my way to that house I'm housesitting? For my aunt and uncle? I had to go to Kroger because they only had like . . . rice-a-roni to eat and as much as I like cheesy rice I cannot survive on rice-a-roni alone, you know? YOU know. So I might get a pizza. And a bottle of wine. Because nothing says "alcoholic" like a person sitting at home in her pajamas drinking alone. Isn't drinking alone a sign of alcoholism? That is such bullshit. I think since it's only one sign, you're OK, it's once you start showing like . . . six signs of alcoholism that you're in trouble. I'm going to walk the dog today, too, cause it's actually not raining. My aunt said a cute, single guy just moved in next door but I haven't seen him yet. Then she told me she told him about me and I was like, thanks Aunt Patty, I know you all think I'm pathetic and need to be set up with random people you meet on the street. I appreciate it. I really do. No, I'm not a lesbian. Did I tell you about that? Anyway. Uuuuuuuummmmm. Yeah. Oh, so this dog at the house I'm housesitting? He's not fixed, so sometimes he gets . . . excited. I have yet to see the lipstick but I've heard the end result is not pretty. Every time I see his head go in the ballular direction I clap my hands and say, "Hey! Stop pleasuring yourself!" and then he looks up at me all guilty and I kind of feel bad. I wonder when this message is going to cut me off. Maybe soon. I'll just keep talking. Hey, did you hear that --*
Voicemail lady: You have exceeded the maximum time permitted. To send your message with normal delivery, press 1. To listen to your message, press 2. To erase your message and rerecord, press 3. **
*This is not an exaggeration. I'm half tempted to record myself just to prove it.
**I have heard this so many times that I have it memorized.