Thursday, June 21, 2007

Dear Time Warner, jump up your own ass and die. Love, Jennie

You guys, I have a favor. I must ask you to boycott Time Warner Cable, if you have that ability. You see, I cannot boycott Time Warner Cable because they are the only cable company in the area. Which must be the reason their customer service, excuse my language, sucks giant, hairy donkey balls. Seriously. Go Google "Time Warner sucks" and you will come up with all sort of stories from people who have been screwed (and not in a good way) by Time Warner. I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM.

About a month ago, Heidi and I came home to discover that our cable was out. NOT GOOD. Especially because we were missing How I Met Your Mother . . . the one where Barney goes on The Price is Right. Can you believe that shit? Me either. Bob Fucking Barker. When I called Time Warner, Christopher (if that IS his real name) told me that it had been disconnected because of nonpayment. "No," I said. "I am looking at the bill right now and we don't owe anything."

"Oh," he replied. "Can you hold please?"

So I held. And held. And held some more. When he came back on the line he told me that our cable should not have been disconnected (duh) and a technician would hook it up the next day. He ALSO told me no one needed to be home for this to happen because they had just disconnected it at the pole. OK. When I got home the next day, I was pleasantly surprised to find the cable working. However, there were two messages on the answering machine from Time Warner Customer Service saying I'd missed my appointment and needed to reschedule. I ignored both messages because, um, clearly I hadn't missed my appointment. The cable was back on. Problem solved.

Until today. DUN DUN DUN! I came home for lunch and noticed a Time Warner Cable van in the parking lot. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a bunch of noises outside my bedroom window, where the cable is hooked up. I turned on the TV and noticed that HEY our cable wasn't working! OH NO HE DIDN'T. I grabbed our latest bill and ran outside. He was already back in his van and so I knocked on the window all rude and "EXCUSE ME" until he got out.

"Did you just disconnect our cable?" I asked. He nodded. "WHY?" I growled. He messed around with his papers and told me it was because we hadn't paid our bill, which is when I started yelling and waving the bill in his face and told him the story I told you guys only not so nice. He called his supervisor, who said I needed to go to the Time Warner Cable office and show them my ID.

"WHY?" I asked again.

He said something about a credit check for the reinstallation, at which point I tried to explain that they were never supposed to disconnect our cable in the first place, at which point he stared at me and said nothing, at which point I said, "this is fucking ridiculous," and slammed the door in his face. On my way back to work I called customer service and they told me the same thing. I needed to show my picture ID at the Time Warner office. But THIS LADY couldn't even tell me why. Whatever, I thought, I'll just go down there and fix this, no big deal.

All afternoon long I worked myself up into an angrier anger ball than I already was. I got to the place ten minutes before they closed (whew) and when I explained my story to the lady at the counter, she just kept shaking her head and saying, "they shouldn't have done that." Well, NO SHIT, lady, that's why I'm here! She ran a credit check, looked at my ID and verified that I am, in fact, Jennifer Lynn Lastname and not some crazy impostor, and said someone would be out to reconnect my cable.

"And I won't be charged for anything?" I asked. She shook her head. I got her name. If they try and charge me extra money or fail to reconnect everything by tomorrow, Penny's going down.

I would love to get rid of Time Warner. I could live without cable (Heidi?) . . . I mean, I wouldn't like it (no Jon Stewart?) but I've lived without before and it was fine. Anyway, I'm super pissed right now because NBC is airing a marathon of The Office tonight HOSTED BY STEVE CARELL. Although, we have the episodes they're running either on DVD or TiVo anyway, so I got over that pretty quickly. BUT. John Krasinski is on Conan O'Brien tonight AND I'M GOING TO MISS IT. And they are my two favorite Bostonians!

Seriously, I don't know (heh) what I'd do without YouTube.

PS: Sorry for being so complainy. I realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this a small, tiny, insignificant problem. But if I were going to get and stay this mad about the grand scheme of things, I'd never get anything done.

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