Dear Internets, I am very sleepy today. Sort of cranky, too. This whole wedding business is a tiring one. FIRST OF ALL, I had to get up early ON A SATURDAY in order to make it to Cleveland by the wedding. I felt kind of bad, because I spent an hour of the trip on a phone conference for this writing thing I'm starting (Did I tell you about that? I don't remember . . . anyway, thanks for helping me get started, Katie!) and it was the most boring phone conference in the history of phone conferences. For serious. Instead of taking notes, I drew a picture. If you're lucky, maybe I'll post it sometime. Probably not, though.
So, we got to the Hyatt with barely enough time to change into our fancy clothes and then we got lost on the way to the church and snuck in just in time. Seriously, like, the mother of the bride was being escorted down the aisle as we sat down. Oops. It was a very traditional Lutheran service and I was doing so good at, well, being good and not giggling or making inappropriate comments until Mary leaned over and whispered, "Do you see that guy in the blue shirt?" I nodded. "He looks like Taylor Hicks," she said and this is when I almost exploded from trying not to laugh out loud. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was made even harder when Nancy leaned in and said, "What are you guys laughing about? Taylor Hicks?" We did not get struck by lightning, so that's a relief. I also did not get struck by lightning for saying I wasn't going to participate in communion because I "wasn't in the mood." Also, I didn't want to walk down the aisle in my heels with everyone looking because I was afraid I'd fall on my face, possibly shouting expletives on my way down. Speaking of heels, Kat, thank you for suggesting those thingies (technical term) you put in the shoe that makes them not slide off. AMAZING. You're a lifesaver.
The reception was back at the hotel and they fed us lots of good food and we had champagne and took pictures and BEST OF ALL there was no bouquet toss, so I didn't have to hide in the bathroom at all. After the reception there was an after party at the hotel bar. ALSO, there was an open bar ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Which surprised me, because the bride knows just how much her friends can drink. At some point, I remember talking to Nadia's boyfriend about the differences between Catholics and Lutherans (Lutherans = Catholic Lite) and all about Martin Luther and the 95 Theses, like . . . wtf? Who does that? This kid, that's who. Then one of my friends explained to us all what the four stages of sexual frustration are, but now I can't remember what she said. All I remember is laughing so hard I thought I might die. I didn't, though, which is good because otherwise I would have missed all the dancing. That's right! I danced! That hardly ever happens, but you heard the part about the open bar, right? That explains everything.
The after party lasted until the early hours of the morning, and if the timestamps on the text messages I sent are correct, I was still roaming about the hotel around 4 AM. Which is why, at 9 that morning, I was not very happy to be awake and having to move and talk to people and whatnot. But it's OK. I curled up in the backseat of the car right outside Cleveland and slept until Springfield. That is almost three hours, in case you were wondering. Don't pretend you weren't.
I guess other stuff probably happened at the wedding, too. Like, um, OH . . . Mary, Nancy and I were given the important job of putting the party favors (little boxes filled with M&M's and tied with a ribbon) on the tables at the reception. I was doing SO GOOD at not being clumsy but then I dropped one of the little boxes and spilled M&M's all over the floor. Oops. This is why I should not be allowed to fancy functions. Also, according to one of the text messages I sent around 4 AM, I am apparently done with boys. So, either I decided to become a lesbian (unlikely) or I planned on joining a convent. Although, after my Catholic Lite comment, I'm not sure they'll have me.