It's true. Today, for instance, I was invited to an awards luncheon. Oh, what's that? You're saying everyone in the company was invited? Oh. Right.
I guess my big dealness is of a different variety. A quieter, more subdued big dealness.
OK, even I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
I think Paul Rudd may be the perfect man. Don't tell Jake Gyllenhaal I said that. But, see, the other day I was watching The Daily Show (like I do) and Paul Rudd was the guest. As soon as Jon Stewart said that, I squealed and giggled like a little schoolgirl. I don't know. Anyway, so later in the show Paul Rudd walked out and I immediately started laughing harder than I've ever laughed in the history of MY LIFE because he was wearing a TUXEDO. I mean, any man who can make you laugh by just wearing a TUXEDO is a keeper. Also, he looked really good in it so that helped.
I was running SO LATE this morning and you want to know why? Because I thought I might wear a skirt today. Which meant that I had to shave my legs. And I don't want you to think that just shaving your legs is what takes up all the time, OH NO. Not only do you have to shave your legs, but you have to put lotion* on them, and then while you're putting lotion on them sometimes you notice a spot you missed (usually on one or both of your knees) so you have to go back into the bathroom and grab the razor, throw your leg up on the bathroom counter and carefully take care of the problem. Then there is the whole trying-on-outfits business. I try to pick my clothes out while I'm in the shower. I flip through my mental Rolodex of outfit options and pick out the one that is clean and doesn't make me look like a homeless person or beached whale. HOWEVER. I do not normally wear skirts, so I had NO IDEA what skirts in my closet would look OK. That's a lie. I had a tiny idea because right before I went to that bridal shower/bachelorette party in Nashville I tried on practically every piece of clothing I own. But that was a month ago. Things change in a month. OH how things change in a month. I don't know. Anyway. So I tried on a whole bunch of outfits and ended up walking out the door in an outfit (not even a skirt outfit!) that I wear all the time, only I wore different shoes today. Shoes that are giving me blisters AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Well, maybe not this very moment because I'm sitting down and you can't get blisters when you're not even walking. Unless you get them on your ass. Can you get blisters on your ass? From just sitting? I don't know and quite frankly I don't WANT to know.
Um. So today is Friday. I wasn't sure if you were aware. Of the Fridayness. I would like to be home right now, but I am not. There was all this leftover food from the luncheon and they said we could make to-go boxes and all I took was macaroni & cheese and potato salad. Also a cookie. This guy was watching me and he said I could have more than one cookie but all I wanted was ONE COOKIE because it was the only white chocolate macadamia nut cookie left. So THERE, guy! The rest were stupid crappy oatmeal raisin. I hate oatmeal raisin cookies. Because of the raisins. If I wanted to eat fruit that looks like shriveled up rabbit turds then I would put some grapes out in the sun until they looked like shriveled up rabbit turds AND THEN I WOULD EAT THEM. And then I would say, "mmm, rabbit turds are my favorite," and people would stare at me with their mouths agape so then I'd be all, "did you know rabbit turds are a delicacy in France? Well, they are. I know they look dry and powdery but they're actually surprisingly juicy," until someone threw up.
I think my luncheon food was drugged. I don't feel right and also I'm talking about eating rabbit turds. Yeah. OK. Now seems as good a time as any to end this. Bye!
*True story: I cannot say the word "lotion" without thinking, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hooooooose again." If you laughed just now when you read that then we can be best friends forever (BFF)
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