You better lock it up.

So you guys know how I'm going to a million weddings this summer, right? OK, that is a lie. A giant one. It just FEELS like a million weddings because they are right in a row. And it seems like the last two months have been completely devoted to THE ALMIGHTY WEDDING SEASON.

Finally, after all the partying and preparation, the weddings, they are upon us. I have one this weekend in Cleveland and one next weekend in Chicago. You know, I was worried about telling The Internets when and where the weddings are, because what if someone stalks me? But Cleveland and Chicago are pretty large so if someone wants to track down each and every wedding in the city on those weekends, more power to them. If they find me I will bow down to their stalking skills and then I will throw my shoe at them and run away and call the police. And anyway. I could be totally lying. The weddings could be anywhere. Knoxville and Nashville. Buffalo and Boston. Portland and Poughkeepsie. They're not in any of those places, though. OR ARE THEY?

They're not. I still haven't bought a gift for either wedding. I am wedding gifted out. Seriously. I can't buy any more wedding-related stuff or I think my head might explode. I went to Target earlier and stood in the wedding card aisle for a good fifteen minutes trying to find a card that did not make me want to vomit all over the place. I did not have much luck. They had two "funny" wedding cards but they still had a vomit rating of 112. And that is a pretty high vomit rating, in case you weren't aware.

Watching my friends plan all these weddings is exhausting, so I can't imagine having to plan one myself, what with the dress and the cake and the flowers and the bitchy bridesmaids. It makes me really, really grateful that my parents are not only OK with me wanting to elope, they are actively encouraging it.