Michael said, “We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them. And in that way, we honor them.”*

Last night, while I was alternately fixing dinner (and by fixing dinner, I mean wandering around the kitchen trying to figure out what I could fix that would take the least amount of time) and watching Dancing With the Stars, Phoebe went batshit crazy and ran wily-nily around the apartment. This eventually led to her knocking over the lamp, which spilled my water and knocked a bunch of shit on the ground. Then, with a look at me that seemed to say, "fuck you, human," she jumped from the soaking wet endtable to the half-wall overlooking the stairs and knocked over the pile of magazines and mail, creating such a loud ruckus that she was forced to meow loudly and hightail it under Heidi's bed. And now our lamp isn't working. Goddamn cat.

Oh, and Heidi told me I forgot about this one . . . so now, Conversation With My Roommate That One Time We Took a Walk After Eating A Lot of Pizza Oh and Also I Had Had a Beer As If That Is An Excuse For Anything (It's Not):

Me: I ate too much pizza.
Heidi: Me too.
Me: Uhhhhh.
Heidi: I should have gone to the bathroom before we left.
Me: Gross. You could just go outside.
Heidi: Talk about gross.
Me: That's what the pond is for!
Heidi: Then we'd get another notice with our newsletter.
Me: Yeah. "Parents. Please make sure your children are wearing diapers when you throw them into the pond to swim."
Heidi: Do you think they can tell the difference between adult poop and baby poop?
Me: Um, yeah, it's different sizes.
Heidi: How do you know?
Me: Cause when we used to go to the pool when we were little, if anyone found poop on the bottom of the pool we'd put on our goggles and go look at it.
Heidi: Ew!
Me: What? We were like ten! Poop is funny when you're ten!
Heidi: Well, I would just poop on the sidewalk like a goose.
Me: Hahahaha!
Heidi: I'd be all, "hold on a second . . . PLOP!"
Me: Hahahaha!
Heidi: Are you OK?
Me: No, I can't breathe, really.
Heidi: Sorry.
Me: Do you find it disturbing that we talk about pooping outside when we're dead sober and yet that one time when me, you, and Mary were wasted we spent an hour on the balcony talking about the Holocaust?
Heidi: Kind of.
Me: Ok. Glad we're on the same page.

*The Office starts tomorrow, bitches!