And where it asks you to state your business, he wrote, “Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.”

GUYS, I forgot my snack pack this morning. TRAGEDY! I love snack packs! Gimme my snack pack! Sorry. I get cranky when I don't get my snack pack. I bet you didn't know I had so much in common with Billy Madison. I also see a giant penguin when I'm drunk. True story. No, it's not. I'm sorry. I don't know why I lie for no reason. Other than it's fun.

Yesterday at work, I made the international sign for "jerk off." AT WORK. In front of coworkers, but not patients, so it was OK. But still. Inappropriate. My appropriateness button is broken, and it has led me to say the following things in the past couple weeks:

Did he touch you where you pee?
If you have too many kids and can't afford them all, you can always drown a couple in the bathtub.
and
Too bad you can't drink at work. Unless you're a prostitute.

I don't know what's wrong with my brain. Do you? Probably not. Thanks for all your help, JERK. Sorry, that was the no-snack-pack talking.

So, Heidi and I started this project on Monday called Operation Fat Whore, No More. We made a daily chart where we write W for workout (not President Douche) and NJ for no junk food. So far this week is full of W's and NJ's. I'm pretty proud of us. Usually by Thursday we're all, "fuck this, let's go to Penn Station," but we've been holding strong. We actually cooked dinner last night. Does cooking with a George Foreman count? I think so. You know what's weird? When you eat an actual meal instead of, like, chips & salsa and a cookie for dinner, you don't get hungry an hour after. Crazy.

As for the working out, we've been doing these Pilates DVDs that Heidi has. They're like torture. This bitch Mari Windsor tells you what to do and yet, SHE'S not doing any of it. And she puts you in the most awkward positions possible. Like, I started wondering the other night as I was on my back, throwing my legs behind my head, if I might have broken my neck. Because the human body is not meant to bend that way. Anyway, last night was the first night Heidi and I did Pilates together, and I'm just not sure that's going to work. You see, if Mari tells me to grab my ankles or reach around and I'm by myself, I might giggle a little but if HEIDI is there, then I feel the need to make a stupid comment or at least Beavis, "reach around, heh heh," and I just don't think that is beneficial. To anyone. I mean, last night Mari made some comment (I don't remember what) that led to Heidi and I talking about someone having testes on their face and that is just not an image I need in my head.