Today I didn't leave the office between the hours of 7 AM and 6 PM, not even for lunch because I brought it with me and also I am lazy and also it was cold outside. Which meant, since our office was out of Diet Coke, I didn't get my usual afternoon caffeine fix, which meant that I was falling asleep at my desk. I even did that thing? Where you put your head in your hand? And then try to rest your elbow on your desk? But you miss so your elbow slips off the edge into your lap? That's right, I elbowed myself in the crotch. I DARE YOU TO JUDGE ME.
Anyway, since my dirty mistress Diet Coke wasn't there, I decided to make do with the old ball and chain. That's right, I made coffee. This is the first time I've ever made coffee in our office coffeemaker, because I usually bring my own in the morning. Hey, it might not be interesting but it's true so BITE ME. So, I started to pour the water into the . . . water holder thingie and ended up spilling half of it on the counter and, oh, also on my pants. While grabbing some paper towels, I knocked a key into the sink. I have no idea why this key was sitting there. As far as I know, no one knows what this key is for and that's why it has been sitting by the paper towels for the past two weeks. I thought about leaving it in the sink, but I was afraid someone might try to use the garbage disposal and I really didn't want to be responsible for breaking that since I'm already responsible for the sticky mess between the fridge and the counter because of that one time I spilled a Coke and didn't tell anyone and couldn't figure out how to clean the side of the fridge off without moving it like, COME ON, the fridge is heavy! I can't move it myself, people!
So, I'm standing there with my hand down the garbage disposal like I'm delivering a baby or something (yes, I went there) and the whole time I'm thinking, "Oh god, what if there's a freak jolt of electricity and it turns the disposal on and it chops all my fingers off forever and ever and I have to live the rest of my life with a horrible, mangled hand! Maybe I should be using my left hand, I use my right hand for all kinds of things and I don't think I could switch hands at this point in my life. OH GOD, where the fuck is this key I can't find it I don't wanna lose a finger no no no! Heh, although, maybe if I lose my whole hand I can tell people a seal bit it off," and so on.
I finally got the key out and then noticed that EW GROSS my hand was now coated with garbage disposal pus and food remnants from God knows when but seriously, God, don't tell me because I don't want to know. I washed my hands and then remembered the mess I'd made with the water all over the counter and dried that up. THEN I noticed the mess I'd made (ALSO with the water, a very important distinction) all over my pants and went to the bathroom to dry it and also to make sure it didn't look like I'd peed myself. If I had a dollar for every time I'd spilled some sort of liquid on my pants and spent the rest of the day looking like an incontinent person, well . . . I'd have at least 20 dollars. PROBABLY MORE.
And, ok, while I was in the bathroom I thought I might as well go! Why not waste as much time as possible? Well, our scrubs are the kind that tie in the back and the ties are really, really long. Even when tied. And somehow the way I sit in my chair at work causes my scrub top to become untied (I'm very antsy) and this makes the ties extra long. Today, a day which will live in infamy (in my brain, anyway), one of the ties fell in the toilet. Thankfully, before I used it. Because, seriously, that would have been disgusting if it had been after I'd used it. And I probably wouldn't be telling you about it (yes, I would).
SO. Then I had to go find some scissors to cut off the end of the tie that had fallen in the toilet, because I don't care if the toilet WAS cleaned today, I was not walking around with toilet water soaked into any part of my clothing. Once I had wandered around the office carrying one end of the tie out in front of me, explained what had happened to a couple coworkers, and found a pair of scissors, I realized that I had never finished setting up coffee. So, back to the breakroom I went and, not only did I spill more water in the process, but I also spilled coffee grounds all over the floor and then? I did what any responsible adult would do. I swept them under the rug.
THE END.
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