Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is less fun than previously indicated. Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb for all eternity.

Last night, I had the shortest Conversation with My Roommate EVER!

Heidi: Are you watching the president?
Me: Yes.
Heidi: Why?
Me: Because I hate myself.

except maybe for this!

Me: What are you making for lunch?
Heidi: . . .
Me: . . .
Heidi: . . .
Me: So . . . Wendy's?
Heidi: I'll get my coat.

And for good measure, A Conversation With My Coworker!

Coworker: That patient in there works for the FBI.
Me: No way!
Coworker: Yep.
Me: Do you think he has a gun?
Coworker: Um, I don't know.
Me: Oh my god, seriously, do you think he does?
Coworker: I don't know, I didn't pat him down.
Me: Does he have a badge?
Coworker: Well, Jennie, I'm sure he DOES have a --
Me: Did he take it out all, "FBI! EFF. BEE. EYYYYYYE."
Coworker: No.
Me: I wonder if the FBI is like The X-Files.
Coworker: I seriously doubt it.
Me: Oh my god, I wonder if he has a gun!
Coworker: Um.
Me: Do you think he'd let me hold it?
Coworker: God, I hope not.

and also!

Me: That patient just asked me to mapquest something for him.
Coworker: Rude.
Me: I know, do I look like goddamn Triple A?
Coworker: Not really.
Me: Does he want a trip tick, too? I mean, I'm not doing anything else.

and finally!

Me: My stomach hurts. I can't tell if I'm hungry or nauseous.
Coworker: Maybe you're pregnant.
Me: That's not funny!
Coworker: Then why are you laughing?
Me: . . . I don't know.
Coworker: You're not, are you?
Me: No!
Coworker: That's good.
Me: Tell me about it. Anyway, my mom taught my sister and I all about birth control.
Coworker: That's a relief.
Me: Are you saying I shouldn't have kids?
Coworker: Well . . .
Me: Hey!
Coworker: Jennie?
Me: Point taken.

AND FINALLY, Things My Friends Will Never Let Me Live Down (with good reason):

That time I (drunkenly) danced with an old (and I'm talking OLD) man*

That time I (drunkenly) fell down in the McDonald's parking lot and wouldn't get up*

That time I (drunkenly) tried to break into someone's condo*

the phrase "bang out," although why that phrase** hasn't caught on yet, I DON'T KNOW

Bowtie Guy (who, I will point out ONCE AGAIN, did not have a bowtie)

That time I almost killed us taking that turn in Chicago

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

OK, that's enough.

*these all happened the same night
**I did not invent this phrase