Monday, March 12, 2007

Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my god. What am I saying?

So, ok, I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry! It doesn't mean I've stopped loving you. Really. Mama's just busy, ok? She'll read you a book tomorrow night. You know how to microwave a pizza, right? Go on. Go watch some TV while Mama works.

Yeah, I don't know.

Friday was Heidi's boyfriend's birthday. And when it's your birthday you get to pick the plans. Which is how I ended up at a horse track in Kentucky on Friday night. I mean, I'm not complaining although it did kind of smell weird. Like desperation and horse poo. BUT. They had hot dogs and popcorn and nachos and $1 beer. ONE DOLLAR. I didn't bet on any horses, though I totally would have paid money to pet one. Unfortunately that was not an option. Oh, and also? So many people had their kids with them. Also, girl scouts were there selling cookies (satan!) but I didn't buy any. The lady in front of us, though? Who let her tiny baby crawl around ON THE FLOOR AT THE HORSE TRACK? She bought some cookies and then she was eating one and it fell ON THE FLOOR AT THE HORSE TRACK and she PICKED IT UP, DUSTED IT OFF AND ATE IT. IT'S TRUE! HEIDI SAW IT! I wish I could make the caps lock more caps lockier because that is how grossed out I am.

Oh and also? Heidi and I took a trip to the restroom, which actually wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be except in three of the stalls there were these weird contraptions that kind of looked like toilets but not really. Maybe horse toilets. They looked like urinals that were sitting on the floor rather than attached the wall. As Heidi and I gazed at them in confusion, a lady walked up behind us, peered around the stall door and said, "Oh, those are the stand up ones," and then walked into one of the normal-toileted bathrooms like she hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. But, she said THE STAND UP ONES. What?!? OK, I don't know if any other women ever tried to pee standing up when they were little (I know I'm not alone, cause Heidi said she tried it once, too . . . Heidi, sorry if you didn't want me to tell anyone that, but everyone knows what a giant liar I am so they probably won't believe me . . . OK, that's not true, I'm a horrible liar) but let me tell you what happens. It runs down your legs and gets all over the damn place. So I would like someone to explain what the hell was going on in that Kentucky bathroom. No, you know what? I don't want to know.

After the horse track, we went to Hofbrau House. Where they serve liters of beer and also fried pickles. Unfortunately, due to some poor planning, we arrived at Hofbrau House too late to order food. OR SO OUR WAITRESS SAID. OK, so we asked if we could order food and she said she'd go back to check and see if the kitchen was still open and then she NEVER CAME BACK. And when we finally managed to catch her attention (which was difficult since she was avoiding eye contact and ignoring our calls of "Miss! Miss!" and Steve chanting "PLATE OF PRETZELS" while pounding his fists on the table . . . I mean, how do you ignore that?), she told us that they weren't making food anymore. To which I said, "why do you lie, liar?" I was pretty upset. I almost cried. I may have used the "C-U-Next-Tuesday" word . . . over and over and over to the point where people started backing uncomfortably away from me until I remembered I still had beer and concentrated on that.

So, as it worked out, we had banana bread (eaten before we left Dayton), popcorn, and beer for dinner. Oh, until we went to Skyline at 2 AM. OK. I don't like Skyline but I have this habit when I'm drunk of trying things I think I don't like. This habit led to me finding out that, yes, I DO like sour cream. Which was good considering I had just smeared almost an entire container on a chimichanga. ANYWAY. What was I saying? Oh. Skyline. We went there. And I decided to try the hot dogs. I know they're called something . . . two-ways or whatever. I almost got a three-way just so I could say, "I would like a threeway, please," but three hot dogs is a lot. But I did get a two-way. And it was as disgusting as I remembered (I did eat it but, I mean, we HAD skipped dinner). Still. I maintain my belief that Skyline hot dogs are boiled in toilet water because that's what they taste like.

I do like one thing about Skyline, and that is that they give you a bowl of oyster crackers, which I then douse in hot sauce and try to eat them all even though my mouth is on fire and my lips are turning purple. True story.

Then on Saturday we went to a comedy club. Also, other stuff happened this weekend, but I'm getting tired of typing.

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