Sunday, March 30, 2008

toe pick!

So ABC Family has been running the shit out of all The Cutting Edge movies, so this weekend I watched the first one.

Confession: I did not watch The Cutting Edge on ABC Family, I popped it in the VCR (yeah, that's right) after I watched We Are Marshall and bawled my way through an entire box of tissues. WTF, movie, why do you want me to kill myself?

Anyway, so I don't know how I always forget how absolutely TERRIBLE this movie is, maybe because, I don't know, it's one of the most amazingly awful movies ever made that is ALSO one of my favorite movies, like, EVER. I don't know how old I was when I first saw it, but considering I own it on VHS, I couldn't have been that old. I'm not ashamed to tell you that I've seen it so many times I can recite most of the lines along with the movie, because I feel that's a talent and my parents told me never to be ashamed of my talents, useless as they may be. This movie is awesome, is what I'm saying.

But I have to call shenanigans on something. No, it's not the fact that Doug (Dooglas) Dorsey is a phenomenal figure skater even though, previously, he was a hockey player. And it's not that Kate and Dooglas win the Olympics with this super crazy (possibly illegal?) move that we never really even get to see and then they make out on the middle of the ice and everyone is all, "aww, that's nice, gold medals all around!" No. It's that scene after they find out they're going to the Olympics. And they go to that bar? You know? And Kate Mosley doesn't drink, oh no, not even a drop of champagne on New Years Eve, so of course, on this night, Dooglas starts her off with . . . tequila. TEQUILA. IS HE CRAZY?! I mean, he has to know she's going to be bombed off her ass after, at most, two shots and then she does like a billion of them. It's true. I counted. Plus, she only weighs 90 pounds and she's NEVER HAD A DRINK BEFORE. I consider my liver pretty seasoned and I still know that if I have only ONE shot of tequila, the night is most definitely going from pretty low key straight into one of those stories I will tell over and over and over and they all begin, "so this one night I was drinking tequila and . . ." Because inevitably I either end up tying balloon animals to firecrackers or locked in a closet while everyone else is asleep. True story and, oh, TRUE STORY.

As a child, when I watched this movie, I knew the shots of whatever they were doing = slutty behavior and big, black sunglasses the next morning. But I didn't know why. Hell, I used to lick salt off my wrist and shoot Sprite or whatever just to amuse my sister. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Now that I think about it, maybe I can trace my love of alcohol back to that movie. Ah, The Cutting Edge. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

11 comments:

  1. I totally watched this last night as well (and part of The Cutting Edge 3 but please don't tell anyone...) and wanted to share with you my favorite thing ever written on the subject: What's DB Sweeney Doing Right Now?. My favorite? "Picking at an ingrown hair".

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  2. A few things...

    1. Locked in a closet while everyone else is asleep? Details.

    2. Is it wrong that I read "What's DB Sweeney Doing Right Now?" and then checked to see if dbsweeney.com actually existed?

    3. What's a VCR?

    (p.s. - tequila's evil.)

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  3. I love that you call him Dooglas. Also, I did that Sprite thing, too. Only I did it with apple juice.

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  4. lengli, I watched part of it, too.

    Stephanie, it's really not as interesting as it sounds. I promise.

    h!a!, apple juice is better. It looks more like tequila than Sprite.

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  5. The best part of watching the Cutting Edge now is getting to say, "Holy Crap! John Locke is her father!"

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  6. I know! I wonder why he never talks about his ice skating daughter on the island. What a jerk.

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  7. So ... how are the sequels? I can't bring myself to watch them, for fear they might taint the awesomeness of the original.

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  8. What a small, small world. I actually watched "The Cutting Edge" this past weekend too, but for me it was on DVD. It too is a guilty pleasure of mine. I really like it, no matter how bad it is!

    I never put 2 and 2 together that John Locke is Mr. Mosley! Wow...and Wow!

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  9. Fraulein, the bit of 3 I caught was really, really, really bad. Really bad.

    Biker, John Locke also gets blown up by a bomb in The X-Files Movie. And he played a big dick on Alias. Well, not like a big dick as in a big talking penis, but like a jerk. Anyway, I'm going to stop talking now.

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  10. Favorite random "John Locke" role: The launch guy from Space Camp.

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  11. OMG, John Locke is everywhere.

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