Conversations With My Roommate: Special Phone Edition*

Me: Hello?
Heidi: Heeey.
Me: Hello.
Heidi: What are you doing?
Me: Just driving home from work.
Heidi: Cool.
Me: Yeah.
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: So . . . what's going on?
Heidi: Well, we got this thing in the mail.
Me: Yes?
Heidi: And it lists all these classes you can take in Beavercreek.
Me: Oh yeah?
Heidi: And they're not that expensive, really, and they last two months.
Me: Cool.
Heidi: There are a couple I think sound interesting.
Me: Like what?
Heidi: Like . . . OK, there's this culinary class?
Me: . . .
Heidi: And I've always wanted to take a culinary class.
Me: . . .
Heidi: It would be like that episode of Friends where Monica and Joey take a cooking class.
Me: Yeah. That doesn't so much sound like fun to me.
Heidi: There's also a cookie decorating class?
Me: . . .
Heidi: And a cake decorating class?
Me: . . .
Heidi: And the best part is, after you decorate everything you get to eat it.
Me: Heidi.
Heidi: Yes?
Me: Is the only reason you want to take these classes so you can eat the end result?
Heidi: Um, duh, of course.
Me: Got it. Is this leftover angst from the other night when you really wanted chocolate cake and I wouldn't let you go buy one and we couldn't make one because our oven was broken?
Heidi: Maybe.
Me: OK.
Heidi: There are some really funny sounding classes, too.
Me: Like what?
Heidi: Pottery.
Me: I actually think that sounds fun. And messy. Hence the fun.
Heidi: And this other one called . . . wait for it, "Self Hypnosis: A Guide to Stop Sabotaging your Life."
Me: The hell? I think the first step to stop sabotaging your life is to stop paying for classes like that one.
Heidi: Listen to the description . . . "Learn to help yourself relax and get in touch with your body and your subconscious mind in order to--"
Me: Heidi?
Heidi: What?
Me: Is this a masturbation class?
Heidi: Haha!
Me: Because I'm pretty sure that if you need a class for that you have bigger problems than self-sabotage.
Heidi: True.
Me: I wonder where they hold that class.
Heidi: Probably in the Jack Shack behind the building.
Me: Good call.

*Obviously this is not verbatim. The government may record my phone conversations but I, unfortunately, do not