DISCLAIMER: I used the words "speculum," "birth control," "periods," and "lube," in the following post. If you do not have a vagina, you may not want to read this. Actually, if you HAVE a vagina, you may not want to read this. You know what? Probably you should just run far, far away.
So I went to the hooha doctor this morning. It was as awesome as I expected it to be. It had actually been a long time since I'd gone. So long, in fact, that I had to call my mom and ask her what side of the street the was on because I couldn't remember. Although, that's not really a good indicator because I forget where everything is no matter how long it's been since I've been there. Like, sometimes I forget how to get to work even though I drive there every day. That is untrue. I'm sorry I lied. No, I'm not. My point is, I am crap with directions.
ANYWAY. My doctor was being all funny today. Like, there I am . . . in the stirrups, staring up at the ceiling and preparing myself for what comes next and all the sudden she holds up the speculum and is all, "See! It's not even as big as a penis!" Um, great? It's still made of METAL.
Also? I'm not really sure why I had to fill out that questionnaire because she asked me most of the questions again anyway. AND NOW I BRING YOU . . . Conversations with my Gynecologist*:
Dr: So, how's life?
Me: Good?
Dr: Good, good. And how are your periods?
Me: Good?
Dr: Good, good. They'll probably get worse when you're in your 30's.
Me: Great.
Dr: Or if you have a baby.
Me: OK.
Dr: What are your thoughts about babies?
Me: Oh god, I don't want them.
Dr: Haha! Ever or just right now?
Me: Um, definitely NOT right now. I haven't decided about ever.
Dr: Have you ever been on birth control?
Me: Yes, a couple of years ago.
Dr: Are you interested in going back on it?
Me: Yes. No babies.
Dr: Great.
So then she gave me a sample of birth control pills until I can pick up my prescription. Now. I did not have time to run home after my appointment and so I carried birth control pills around in my purse ALL DAY at work. Heidi said she thought only whores did that but what ELSE was I supposed to do with them? Leave them in the car? It's like 800 degrees outside! I was afraid they'd melt!
OK and then? I called my mom and I believe her exact words were, "So how was your lube job?" I'm not telling you this JUST to be crass, I think it's really important that you all see why I am the way I am. It's not my fault, I was RAISED this way.
*this blog has reached a new low
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