Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio.

Every morning, I drive though this busy intersection. It just so happens that once you go through this intersection, the right lane almost immediately ends. Everyone knows this. And every morning, I get in the left lane and wait patiently in line while self-important assholes speed by in the right lane so they can get in front of the long line of cars. I used to stick close to the bumper of the car in front of me so these assholes couldn't get in, because I am a mean and hateful person and pissing people off sometimes makes me happier than it should. I didn't care if they got in front of the car in FRONT of me as long as they weren't directly in front of me. And it made me giggle inside to watch them slam on their brakes and swerve into line behind me. But then I realized I just didn't care. There are so many other things I could be worrying about. And anyway. Carma's a bitch. I'm sorry. That was lame and I'm pretty sure that's not even the first time I've said it. Sad.

I used to be one of you crazy, swerving, speeding assholes. But I don't drive like a crazy person anymore because I've decided I like living. ALSO I've discovered that it's much more fun to piss people off by driving the speed limit. And then? When they can't pass you? Turn right somewhere as slooooowly as you can. I think I almost made a lady's head explode one day. Best. Day. Ever.

The other reason I decided to start going the speed limit is that I can't really afford to pay for a ticket. I mean, sure, it'd be super fun to blow $50 on something I don't need, but I'd rather blow it on shoes or liquor or black market babies. I still have my fingers crossed that I won't get a ticket in the mail from the state of Illinois because of those tollbooths I accidentally ran through the last time I went to Chicago. Oops.

I'm not saying I'm always a perfect angel while driving. On my bad days, I can be as road-ragey as the next person. And, for the sake of my own sanity (what's left of it), I lift all non-speeding, non-swerving, non-crazy rules when I'm driving in downtown Chicago, where obviously the only way to drive is with your fingers crossed and your eyes closed.