Tuesday, August 14, 2007

if I wanna take a GUY home with me TONIGHT, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

I will tell almost anyone almost anything. Especially if I've been drinking. See, normal people have a filter between their brain and their mouth that stops them from saying certain things. Things like jokes about abortion or comments about drowning babies or just saying the word penis over and over. I'm pretty sure I was born without this filter. I mean, fine, whatever, I've learned to live with it and so have the people around me.

I have to go to the lady doctor next week and they sent me this packet telling me how to log into my chart online. Ooh la la, technology . . . too sexy, too sexy! Basically, they just want you to fill out your medical history before you come in. My guess is, they're tired of patients coming in late and then having to wait for them to fill out their medical history, find their insurance card, blah blah blah, and then the asshole, I mean patient throws their whole schedule off. I used to work in a doctor's office so I know how annoying patients can be.

I find it very, very difficult to be honest with doctors. I don't know why. You go to the doctor so they can find a problem with you right? Or tell you that you're problem-free? But I want to lie to them. About everything. I'm so afraid they'll tell me I'm not normal and let's face it, at this point in my life, shouldn't that be obvious? I also always worry that they're going to judge me. Like with the questions about if you've ever smoked? I wish I could write in my own answers because I'd write, "yes, but only when completely shitfaced," but then I'd have to explain how many beers equals completely shitfaced and that would probably get me into a brand new shiny mess. So I just lie and say I've never smoked. Drunk smoking doesn't count anyway. It's true. Ask anyone.

So, fine. I can fill this out. And in the privacy of my own home! Beautiful. No nosey, judgy women peeking over my shoulder in the waiting room, trying to see if my family has a history of heart disease, or worse, THE CRAZY. But still, even in the privacy of my own home, I was having trouble answering these questions. Like, when was your first period? OK, I didn't mind answering that one. I would have elaborated on my answer if I could have, because I was 12 and it was Mother's Day. Hahaha! Happy Mother's Day, Mom! But some of the other ones? I didn't want to answer nuh-uh no how even though some of it is information I will share with people who didn't even ask. I don't know. I guess I just have a problem filling out a survey in which my vagina plays such a large role.

Maybe the reason they're making people fill out their vajayjay history online is so they CAN'T write their own answers. Because if I had been allowed to? It would have looked like this:

Have you ever used a contraceptive method?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Birth Control Pills?
You should know, you gave them to me and also NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Condoms?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Contraceptive foam?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS

Rhythm/withdrawal?
Hahahaha!

Vasectomy?
I don't have a penis, as you will soon find out

Are you married?
What's THAT supposed to mean? Are you calling me a slut?

Have you ever been married?
Oh, what? So now I'm a failed slut?

Are you in a relationship?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE oh and also NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Have you ever had an STD?
Not unless you count The Clap. Haha, JK!

How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

How many partners have you had within the last 12 months?
97, haha JK NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Any new partners in the last 12 months?
97, haha JK NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Is your partner preference male or female?
Depends on how much tequila I've had haha JK NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, OK, male

Do you take steps to prevent sexually transmitted disease?
What, like praying?

Do you have any special needs that we should be aware of?
see above

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