conversations that never happened between people who don't exist

1.

"Do you ever take bubble baths?"

"Dude."

"C'mon. You're telling me you've never taken one?"

"No."

"Never?"

"Never. Why, have you?"

"Oh yeah, all the time."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You do take bubble baths!"

" . . . yeah."

"I knew it!"

"So do you use, like, that lavender smelling bubble stuff? That stuff's the best."

"Man, I have no idea. I was fucking around. I've never taken a bubble bath."

"Dude."

2.

"Hey, I'm home."

"Wow, you look hot."

"Shut up."

"No, seriously, what happened to you?"

"Um, did you notice the storm outside?"

"Well, you look like a drowned rat."

"You're so charming."

"You love it."

"Why are you lighting all those candles?"

"Power's out."

"Fantastic. What are you doing?"

"Um . . . do you like . . . wanna get married?"

" . . . "

"Well?"

"Hold on, I'm just basking in the pure romance of this moment."

"Well, I didn't expect you to come home all . . . soggy . . . and irritated. I mean, irritated I expected but --"

"Wow, this just keeps getting better and better."

" . . . "

" . . . "

"So?"

"OK, I guess."

"Awesome, what's for dinner."

" . . . "

3.

"Let's go over this again."

"I don't see what's so hard to understand, but OK."

"You weren't pregnant when I left."

"No."

"But you're pregnant now?"

"Yes. What is the problem here?"

"I left a year ago."

"And?"

"I'm gonna go now."