shotgun BANG what's up with that thang?

I'm going to talk about the gym now. Because my life is so boring that I have nothing better to talk about. I have a bone to pick with our gym. They keep playing these crappy teenybopper movies and I'm getting SO SICK OF THEM. One night? They were playing A Cinderella Story. Last night? She's the Man. Tonight? I forget the name of it, but it's that movie with Hilary Duff and Big and Heather Locklear and it's actually not that bad, but I don't want to watch it at the gym, you know?

She's the Man just MIGHT be the worst movie I have ever seen. And I didn't even watch all of it. Thank god. I might have died. Because I would have thrown myself under the treadmill. Would that kill you, do you think? Anyway. Amanda Bynes is terrible. Just terrible. Although, if I go in tomorrow and they're playing What a Girl Wants, I'll be OK with it but only because Colin Firth is in it. Mr. Darcy makes everything better. Oh hush, I know he's not Mr. Darcy in that movie, but if I listen to my mp3 player while watching it, I can pretend he is.

So tonight I got on the elliptical and did a bit of warm up, but I thought the resistance on the machine seemed a little weird. Like . . . grindy. I don't know. Most of the machines were empty because, um, they were playing a Hilary Duff movie, so I got on the elliptical next to me. I wasn't on it more than a minute when I noticed it was making this loud, obnoxious squeaking noise with every rotation. I could even hear it over The Fratellis. Yes, I was listening to music while watching the movie. Did you not hear me? Hilary Duff. Enough said. Finally, after I'd had enough squeaking, I got on a third machine. And that one was juuuust right. You know, I always hated Goldilocks when I was a kid. What a whore. I'd be so pissed if some bitch came in and ate all my porridge (I mean, theoretically, because I don't think I even like porridge) AND she broke a bunch of furniture. She broke a chair, right? And one of the beds? Did the bears eat her in the end, because they totally should have.

The word you're looking for is . . . ANYWAY (trademark: Ross Geller). I'm not sure if all this extra gym time is even working. I can't tell a difference. Maybe my insides are totally healthy now. My heart is all buff and showing off for the other organs. And bragging about how many ladies he's gonna score (apparently my heart is a man? That explains a lot) and making my liver feel like shit because of how badly I treat it. Poor liver. You never stood a chance.