this is probably one of those things I should never share with the Internets

Some backstory: Heidi went on a trip or something back when we first moved in together (um, a year and a half ago) and she brought me back a tiny, tiny bottle of gin & juice. Like the size of tiny bottle that Chandler Bing likes to hold to pretend he's a giant. It's been sitting in the kitchen ever since. Also, we got tired of calling the hot guys who live in our apartment complex "Hot Guy 1" and "Hot Guy 2" so we named them Bernard and Sebastian instead.

Me: This Gin & Juice has been here forever.
Heidi: I know, I can't believe you haven't drank it.
Me: Sorry.
Heidi: I buy you a gift! Out of love! And this is the thanks I get!
Me: Fine! I'll drink it now.
Heidi: Good!
Me: Oh, wait. I can't drink it. It says on here that pregnant women shouldn't drink.
Heidi: Do you have something you want to tell me?
Me: Well. See. You weren't home one night and Sebastian and Bernard came over.
Heidi: Slut.
Me: Yeah, things got out of hand.
Heidi: I guess I'll have to drink the rest of this wine myself.
Me: No, it's OK, cause I'm getting an abortion . . . so I can totally drink wine.
Heidi: Oh my god.
Me: Yeah. I can't believe I said that.
Heidi: You bought your ticket to hell with that one.