Thursday, April 24, 2008

Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.

Today, as I mentioned, is Take Your Child to Work Day, and so there are adorable children wandering the halls. I ran into one of them, a charming little four-year-old named Dora (not her real name), who was on her way to another department with her dad.

"Look!" she said and held up a box of Timbits. "I'm taking these to my co-workers!"

And then I was all, "ow, my ovaries," and also, "I'm so going to steal you later." Later she told us all about how her dad has a Storm Trooper costume (true story: he wore it for Halloween and it was all kinds of awesome) and ALSO that sometimes he beatboxes at home. They left before I could ask him to demonstrate.

DRAMATIC SUBJECT CHANGE

A couple days ago, I had the following conversation with my parents.

Me: Oh! Heidi and I are running a race again. Will you guys come watch us this time?
Mom: I don't know, IS IT ON THANKSGIVING again?
Me: No. And it's not at 8 in the morning, it's at noon.
Dad: Where?
Me: . . . Columbus.
Dad: Jennie . . .
Me: It's at noon!
Mom: What day is it?
Me: May 25th. A Sunday, I think.
Dad: You can't do that.
Me: Um. Why?
Dad: That's your grandmother's 70th birthday party?
Me: Who-to-the-what-now?
Mom: I told you about this.
Me: You did not!
Mom: I did. I told you to leave that day open.
Me: This is the first I've heard about it!
Dad: Your mom told me she told you.
Me: Well, she didn't.
Mom: I did.
Me: Nuh-uh! I'm always the last to know EVERYTHING. [cue four-year-old-style tantrum]

Anyway, NO ONE EVER TOLD ME. Until like two days later, my aunt called and told me about it. Whatever. THEN! This morning, I found out that not only is my cousin in Kuwait, on his way to Iraq (making him the second person to leave for Iraq WITHOUT TELLING ME), but apparently his mom (my aunt, duh) is having some sort of surgery. No idea what kind, just surgery. At least this time, I'm barely the last to know, because my mom just found out, too. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better. In any case, I'm going to change the subject now.

When I got my laptop, Heidi was really excited. I believe her exact words were, "now we can sit on the sofa with our laptops and work and it'll be just like we're in school again!"

So last night we were sitting on the sofa working. Well, "working." I don't know what she was doing, but I was playing Free Rice. As research, though, because I'm writing an article called, "How to Help Africa," which I realize is a very, very broad subject and I'll probably do a terrible job, but I'm using Free Rice as a source. Because playing Free Rice means some rice might be sent to Africa, and I think you'll agree that Rice + Africa = Helping Africa. Math!

Anyway, while we were sitting there, I thought, "heehee, I will message her on Google Talk and it will be hilarious because we are sitting next to each other." So I did. And we had the following conversation:

Me: butt
Heidi: erection
Me: phalanges
Heidi: penis
Me: vas deferens
Heidi: moist
Me: panties
Heidi: bajenga

So it really is like we're back in school. Only not college. More like 4th grade. Except I don't think I knew what "vas deferens" meant in 4th grade.

15 comments:

  1. my grandpa turned 90 so he beats your grandma turning 70. So there...penises

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  2. Oh yeah? Well, my grandma has a twin so really they're turning 140. So there. Vagina.

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  3. my gpa has a Wii. Nuff said. Schmegma.

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  4. Schmegma? Oh, no. There was a line and you just crossed it. Heh.

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  5. DS1: Thanks for letting me know what Timbits were... I would've had not a clue. :)

    DS2: Usually, I am the reason people don't know about things because I always forget to mention them. Don't be too hard on your mom.

    DS3: That Free Rice thing is SO COOL. Except that I feel dumb now becuase I don't know a lot of the words and am not donating a lot of rice. HA!

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  6. Timbits = do want. Kids seem like excellent spies to fill you in on your co-workers' oddities.

    If it makes you feel any better, I don't think I know what a vas deferens is now. I mean, I know it's a *boy part* but I don't remember exactly what role it plays. Damn you for making me Wikipedia this!

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  7. Bryna, someone told me that on that Free Rice thing, it keeps track of your vocab level and ALSO if you miss words, they come up again until you get them right. It's sort of amazing (nerd alert).

    mg! yeah, I guess I don't really know what they do, either. I just looked it up, though, but I'm thinking I shouldn't be Googling "vas deferens" at work. Oops.

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  8. A) You make phalanges sound dirty. I guess they can be, depending on where they've been.

    B) I have no idea what a bajenga is. It sounds like a guitar or something.

    C) This is not mine, but I have an appointment. Wish me luck, and please don't ask if ALL testes look like acorns. I have no idea.

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  9. You know what other word makes me laugh? Girth. I feel like it only gets associated with one thing, but there used to be this hot dog commercial with a guy eating the product and saying things like "MMMM Girthy" and I would laugh and laugh and not feel at all bad.

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  10. So I know you can't watch this at work cause of the ban on YouTube, but please please please watch it when you get home:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yA6yu_rHLDM

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  11. Your mom told me about the birthday party. Duh, where were you?

    I'm glad I'm not the only person who says "ow, my ovaries" when I see cute little kids. I also say I'm going to steal them, but I've stopped saying it as much because for some reason everyone always thinks I'm for-real serious. Apparently I look like a child-napper.

    And that Free Rice thing rocks.

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  12. Peefer, bajenga is just another word for a woman's naughty bits.

    GSR, I hope that link is to the girthy commercial.

    Stephanie, I don't think you look like a child-napper at all.

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  13. Jennie! - You knew I wouldn't leave you hanging. I swear though - you will think it is a fake commercial until you get to the end and realize that it is "for reals."

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  14. OK, whoever came up with that ad is a sick, sick person . . . and I love him (or her).

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  15. I like your Math. And the name Dora, even if in this case it was imaginary. I always think of Dory from Finding Nemo and then I laugh to myself at the way Dory pronounces "escape." OK, then. How's THAT for random?

    Happy! Thursday.

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