Gather round, dear Internets, for I am about to tell you another story of my stupidity. Last night, Heidi was at a concert and, rather than do anything productive, I spent the evening reading (I WILL finish Anna Karenina before Philly because there's no way in hell I'm carrying that giant book onto a plane . . . they might actually take it away because they think it's a weapon), surfing the Internet (i.e. playing the "girthy" commercial over and over), and watching TV (The Office and 30 Rock and Lost OH MY). And SINCE I did nothing productive, I felt sort of guilty. Not really guilty because you know what? I work hard 40 hours a week. Well. I work 40 hours a week. AND THEN I spend countless hours scouring the Internet for How To information (current article: How to Can Salmon . . . I think I must be high when I pick these titles) so I DESERVE A NIGHT OFF.
Moving on. I decided last night that this morning I needed to get up early and go running before work. I don't know what I was thinking. I stayed up even later than normal because Lost was on until 11 and I had to read for a long time before I could go to sleep. Because, you see, I have been reading before bed since I learned how to read and I am physically incapable of going to sleep without having read at least a chapter or two. But whatever. I set my alarm for 5:45 and placed my neatly folded running clothes on my muddy and worn out running shoes and said to myself, "Jennie. I don't care how tired you are when you wake up, you need to GET UP AND RUN."
Yeah. My alarm went off, I looked at the clock, heard that it was raining, turned off my alarm, and set it to the time I normally get up. Only, you guys, it wasn't really raining. It was some douchebag's air conditioning. First of all, an air conditioner does NOT, in fact, sound like rain. Also, what assclown has their air conditioning on already? IT'S NOT EVEN MAY. It's not even that hot outside! At the hottest part of the day! Sure, today it's supposed to be 80, but it still gets cold at night. Suck it up, you whiny bitches, and turn off your AC.
Where was I? Right. OK, so I went back to sleep and I kept dreaming that I was driving around looking for a bathroom. Do you guys ever have those dreams and then you wake up and you really have to pee? Yeah. I woke up and I really had to pee and then I looked at the clock and FREAKED OUT because it said 7:45. Which is like, the time I leave for work. I picked up my cell phone to see if anyone from work had called. Because, you know, even though I didn't have to be at work for another 15 minutes, I thought maybe my coworkers would call to make sure I was up? I don't know. In any case, I noticed that the time on my cell phone was different than the time on my alarm clock. In fact, the time on my cell phone said it was the time I normally get up. Apparently, when I woke up the first time and thought I was setting my alarm forward, I was actually setting the time forward. I guess my wish to time travel is starting to exhibit itself in all sorts of strange ways. Now, you might be thinking, "Jennie, this isn't really that stupid. You were half asleep, big deal," but the thing is, Internets? I've done this exact same thing before.
You know, I think this is the longest, most pointless story I've ever told. And I've told a lot of long, pointless stories in my time (just ask Heidi . . . or, you know, read my blog archives). Oh well. At least that means I've accomplished something today, I guess.