Tuesday, April 22, 2008

heartache to heartache, we stand

I think I come across as a pretty laid back person, but the truth is, no matter what time of day it is, something is going on that I am silently freaking out about. It could be something as simple as what to have for dinner or something big like, you know, what the hell I'm doing with my life. I've come to the conclusion that if I didn't have something to worry about 24 hours of the day, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Sometimes, dear Internets, I have so much to tell you. Nothing important, mind you, because to be honest? I don't really talk about the important stuff on here. Because A) I'm not good at talking about feelings (yuck), B) I'm already silently freaking out about it (see above), so I don't want to talk about it too, and C) mind your business! Hee. But mundane stuff? I tell you all of it. You're so lucky. Sometimes I have to stop myself from posting like 18 times a day because HELLO that's a little Crazy McPsycho right there. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Is it obvious? Moving on.

Since it's gotten warmer, I've taken to driving around with my windows down (naturally). The problem with this is I forget the windows are down. Which means, when a song I really like comes on the radio, I start singing it as loudly as possible and I'm just not sure, but I don't think the people in the next car really want to hear my version of Love Is a Battlefield.

BECAUSE it's gotten warmer, Heidi and I have been running more. I don't know if you know this, but it's a lot nicer to run when it's sunny and warm and you don't have to dodge patches of ice every five feet. In any case . . . Conversations With My Roommate: Running Edition!

Day 1:

Me: I have to pee.
Heidi: Um. There's a bush over there.
Me: I'll wait. I don't want to wipe with a pinecone.
Heidi: Yeah, that would hurt.
Me: Are pinecones made out of wood?
Heidi: I think so. They look like wood.
Me: Or are they made out of some wood/leaf hybrid?
Heidi: I don't know.
Me: I'm going ask Google when we get home.
Heidi: OK. Let me know what you find out.

Day 2:

Me: Oh man, I forgot to Google pinecones!
Heidi: I was going to ask you.
Me: Don't let me forget later.
Heidi: OK.
Me: Can you eat dandelions? Or are they poisonous?
Heidi: Poisonous.
Me: Do you know that for sure?
Heidi: Not really.
Me: Well, because there's this Ray Bradbury story?
Heidi: . . . go on.
Me: Called Dandelion Wine?
Heidi: . . .
Me: And the boy in the story? His grandfather makes dandelion wine.
Heidi: . . .
Me: So I don't think dandelions are poisonous.
Heidi: You realize that not everything you read in a book is true, right?
Me: I can't believe you just said that.
Heidi: Is this book in the fiction section or the non-fiction section?
Me: . . .
Heidi: I rest my case.
Me: Just . . . stop.

Day 3 (confession: this was not while running):

Me: So apparently birds don't have penises.
Heidi: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah. Tamara said they have these winky butthole things that they just rub together to fertilize stuff.
Heidi: So. Birds don't have penises.
Me: Nope.
Heidi: So your book was wrong?
Me: . . . well, yes. But that doesn't mean anything.
Heidi: What was the other thing you were trying to tell me?
Me: That you can make wine out of dandelions?
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: That's true!
Heidi: OK.
Me: It is! That book is semi-autobiographical!
Heidi: Uh-huh.
Me: I'll prove it. I'm going to make some dandelion wine!
Heidi: You do that.
Me: And you will drink it and you will be SO. DRUNK.
Heidi: I look forward to it.
Me [muttering]: Just you wait.

I'm beginning to think one of the reasons Heidi and I make such good roommates is because we both think the stupidest things are funny. Like, we made a fake Mii on Wii (wow) named Gladys. She has a pig nose and a side half-ponytail and jowls. Heidi bowled as Gladys the other night, left-handed no less, and kicked my ass. Then we had Gladys take the fitness test to see how old we could make her. She ended up being 80 and Heidi and I laughed and laughed until we couldn't breathe. During the test, we made up a fake history for Gladys, like that she enjoys hanging out at the bowling alley every night, and she's a smoker, and she's not afraid to share bowling shoes with her closest bowling alley friends, and the REASON she wasn't very good at tennis is because, hello, she's 80. And a smoker. I keep telling Heidi we should really think about taking our comedy act on the road, but I'm pretty sure we'd be the only ones laughing.

PS: Have you hugged the Earth today?


  1. I had a friend in high school who's step dad actually made dandelion wine. Never tried it but was told it was very good.

  2. HA! Suck it, Heidi!


  3. Oh, I did more than hug the Earth today. And I heard you can fry dandelions.

  4. Steve, you can't violate Earth on Earth Day. It's against the law.

  5. you should google Cloaca - its shows a winky butthole.

    Is Gladys that old lady that calls in to the Ellen show "keep on keepin on!"

  6. Anonymous4:04 PM

    The French word for dandelion is pissenlit, which literally means "pee the bed", because apparently this is what dandelions make you do if you eat too many of them.

  7. Tam, I'm not sure I really want to see that.

    Srah, damn! I was going to have dandelions for dinner tonight, but I'd better not.

  8. What was the result of the pinecones?

    And you can eat dandelion greens (I'm not sure about the yellow parts) They make it into salad in fancy restaurantes.

  9. I remember my grandmother going out into the yard and collecting dandelion greens for cooking. This would have been back before you were born.

    To save you some time (and to make sure I wasn't misremembering) I Googled 'dandelion greens' and got:

    "Dandelion greens are wonderful in salads, sautéed or steamed. They taste like chicory and endive, with an intense heartiness overlying a bitter tinge ..."

  10. Haha, I was laughing so hard that I'm crying now. Also, just because "Jim" says he had dandelion wine does not make it true. You probably posted that!

  11. You toolbox, Jim is my dad!