peace on earth doesn't apply at the mall

I wish I could do all of my Christmas shopping online. I did order one thing, but it's getting to the point where it's almost too late to be ordering stuff if I want it here in time for Christmas. And I do. I don't think it'll be very fun for someone to open their present and find a piece of paper that says, "sorry I procrastinated; your present will be here in two weeks." That just sucks. Also, I don't really know what I'm getting for some people and it's hard to narrow down the Google search when you don't know what you're looking for. So, I have no choice but to go shopping. For real.

My sister and I went to the mall on Saturday. We were there long enough to go to the ____ store to get a ____ for my dad and a _____ for my mom. We ended up walking the length of the mall in one direction and were probably there for about thirty minutes. And even though we weren't there very long, I imagined the slow, horrible deaths of at least twenty people. At least. I'm not kidding you, we weren't thirty seconds into Sears before I was filled with a blinding, murderous rage. What is WRONG with people? If it's not the teenage girls milling about on their stupid cell phones with their glitter make-up and their look-at-me-look-at-me hair flipping it's the people who bring their stollers that seat sixteen children blocking the entrance to the ONE STORE I need to go to.

Then there are the people walking straight toward me who DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE that there's another person RIGHT in front of them. I'm sorry, let ME move out of YOUR way. Please! It'll be my pleasure! I am kind of short, maybe you just didn't see me and that's why you rammed into my side, causing me to spin in a circle and fall into the cell phone kiosk.

I think I just need to stay out of the mall altogether, but especially this time of year. I can do the rest of my shopping elsewhere. Some place where I don't have to park three miles away from the entrance and where no one tries to make me buy a piece of shit pair of sunglasses when I innocently walk by and where I don't end up imagining how to use my purse or my shoe as a murder weapon.

So. Amazon it is.