These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing.

Last night, while I was playing Scrabble writing articles, my phone rang! I know! People call me! And sometimes I answer! Anyway, it was Heidi, so I answered, even though I was all, "WTF is she doing calling me from vacation? Shouldn't she be knee deep in cabana boys right now? Do they have cabana boys in Vegas? What's a cabana anyway?" and then I noticed that it was almost 9.

I answered all, "don't worry, I'm recording Big Brother." No hello or anything because Heidi and I have progressed past hellos. They are unnecessary. Superfluous, if you will, sort of like this sentence. After we'd discussed the importance of recording Big Brother, she asked how the weather was here and I tried to put a positive spin on it, but how do you put a positive spin on, "it's icy and snowy and pissing tiny ice cubes?" You don't. I hope she'll forgive me for not asking how the weather was in Vegas, but I thought if I heard her talking about the sun and the warmth I'd crush her face through the phone with the sheer force of my jealousy. And I don't want to crush her face because she needs it, for talking and picking up men and stuff. Finally, I let her go because she had to rest so she could be energized for all the drinking and partying she had scheduled later and now I bring you the shortest Conversation With My Roommate EVER:

Me: OK, bye. Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Heidi: Oooh, so it's wide open, then.
Me: Exactly.

_____

Today on The Collective, Kat says "seamen." Hee.