Everyone in your wagon has died. Many wagons fail to make it all the way to Oregon.

Holy crapbag, you guys, I need a break. Stupid articles! I hate you! It's all your fault that I'm stuck writing you instead of sitting on the sofa in my pajamas watching all those episodes of Futurama that TiVo recorded!

Speaking of Futurama, one of the episodes TiVo recorded is that one where Fry finds his fossilized dog and he's going to clone him and Bender is jealous and then he finds out that his dog lived for 15 years and probably had a good life after Fry was frozen and then they flash back to the dog searching and searching for Fry and then WAITING FOR FRY OUTSIDE THE PIZZA PARLOR WHERE FRY WORKED FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE FRY NEVER CAME BACK. And then I cry and cry. I'm about to cry just thinking about it. Damn you, show!

Last night, Heidi and I watched part of 300 and after a while, I was all, "this is sort of gay," and Heidi was like, "but this all happened before gay was invented," and I was all, "nuh-uh, what about Ancient Greeks, they had the penis-in-butt-sex all the time," and Heidi just stared at me and so then I was like, "it's true, they did it for warmth and camaraderie," and then I realized I had no idea where I had gotten this information and was probably actually making it up. But it turns out I wasn't. Thank you, Wackopedia.

Speaking of penises (sure?), I watched this documentary on the Discovery Channel or something that was all about sex and the chemistry of love or something and it explained how men's penises are bigger now than they ever have been. Because, see, apparently big penises are more desirable than little ones (sorry to those with tiny peepees) and women are drawn to big penises on the most basic level and so they seek OUT the big penises. Therefore, men with big penises have more sex and more of a chance to procreate, leading to the ginormous schlong gene (scientific term) to be passed on to the son. Which creates more big penises for women to procreate with. I was telling Heidi about it and we decided we were glad to be living in such splendid times and she said that it would have sucked to be a pioneer woman because everyone knows that the only thing to do on the Oregon Trail besides hunt, cross rivers, and come down with Typhoid fever is have sex and I believe the phrase, "if the wagon's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'," might have been shouted but I'm not going to tell you who shouted it because I think you can probably guess.