Conversations With My Roommate: Laundry Edition

Heidi: I couldn't get the coffee stain out of my sweater!
Me: Oh no!
Heidi: I tried stain stick and then I washed it but the stain is still there!
Me: Can you use bleach on it?
Heidi: That's what I'm going to try. I just won't dry the sweater right now and try bleach on it later.
Me: Why can't you dry it?
Heidi: If you dry it, it makes the stain set in more.
Me: Really?
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: How do you know so much about laundry?
Heidi: Well, when I was younger my mom made me take Laundry in 4-H.
Me: . . .
Heidi: So I know a lot about laundry now.
Me: Wait, are you serious?
Heidi: Hee. Yeah. And the funny thing is, I actually won once.
Me: Oh my god.
Heidi: I know. If you ever have any laundry questions, I'm the person to come to.
Me: You have so many hidden talents.
Heidi: Yeah. You should bow down to me.
Me: Oh, I plan on it.

Later . . .

Me: What are you doing?
Heidi: Trying to use bleach to get this coffee stain off my sweater.
Me: Why are you wearing an apron?
Heidi: So I don't get bleach on my clothes.
Me: Ah.
Heidi: Look, though, when I put the bleach on it, it turns my sweater really light purple.
Me: That is so weird!
Heidi: I know! Why is it doing that?!
Me: Don't ask me, you're the laundry expert.
Heidi: Look, it's turning it pink, too! Where is the pink coming from?
Me: Well, there are purple and pink flowers on the bleach bottle, maybe that's why.
Heidi: . . .
Me: Sorry.
Heidi: I guess I'll just wash it and hope the purple comes out.
Me: Or maybe? You'll wash it? And the purple will spread out? And make your whole sweater a nice even shade of light purple?
Heidi: . . .
Me: Sorry.
Heidi: Oh well.
Me: At least it doesn't look like someone pooped on your sweater anymore.
Heidi: . . .
Me: Sorry.

In case you're worried (and don't pretend you're not), the stain totally came out. So did the purple.

(PS: If you want a Christmas card, there is still plenty of time to send me your address. I promise not to stalk you. Too much. Also, feel free to e-mail me with laundry questions and I'll pass them along to Heidi the Laundry Expert.)