Thursday, November 02, 2006

if I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars), I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)

I think the people who work at Kroger are going to know me by name soon. I was just there on Sunday, I was there last night, and I'm going again tonight (yes, I plan trips to the grocery store, BITE oh and also ME). On Sunday, I bought the ingredients for the tortilla soup. Well, most of the ingredients. I forgot the tortilla crunchy things to put on top, which is one reason I was there last night. Another reason? I knew we were out of coffee creamer and seeing as how I had to be at work this morning at 6:45 (IN THE MORNING, DID YOU HEAR THAT?) I figured going without coffee was not an option. On a completely different note, I left work last night at 7:45 PM and got there at 6:45 AM this morning, meaning I was out of the office for a grand total of 11 hours. And most of those were spent either driving or sleeping. If that doesn't make you just a little bit sad for me, then please come here so I can kick you in the balls. Or ball-area. Hard.

Anyway, so while at Kroger I had to call my mom because I couldn't find the tortilla crunchies and if there is anyone who knows that particular Kroger better than me, it is my mom. She pointed me in the right direction, thankfully. They're above the salads, FYI, and maybe if I wasn't so goddamn short I would have noticed them during my ten minute stint of staring at the different packages, looking for the Lite Caesar Salad kits. Have you had those? They're phenomenal and since you have to mix it all together in a bowl I tell myself it's almost like I'm cooking. So, I got what I needed and headed to the checkout AKA Hell. Since every regular line was really long, and the 15 items or less lines were closed (seriously, wtf?), I went to the self checkout. OK, I normally go through the self checkout if I only have a few items, even if all the other lines are empty, because I really try to limit the amount of human interaction I have each day. Of course, I had to wait for the following Self-Checkout Monsters to finish before it was my turn:

Old Slowy Slowerson - She spent approximately 30 seconds examining each item before scanning it and placing it very gingerly in one of the plastic bags.

McBeersALot Lady - She bought a lot of beer. I'm not judging, it just takes extra time for her to show her ID to the cashier on duty (heh, DOODY) even though she is clearly 107 years old.

Guy with Full Cart - Look, Guy, you have approximately 73 items in your cart, you should not be in this line. Look at me. I am holding a package of salad, tortilla crunchies, and kitty litter. Who do you think is more appropriate for this line? Oh, good. You're paying in change, too. Die, please.

Two Girls Who Are Obviously High School Students and My God I Hope I Was Never That Annoying - Oh, wait for this. They rang their stuff up separately and while the second one was ringing her stuff up? She realized she forgot something so she sent her friend to go fetch it while a line of people formed behind her. I think I should be allowed to kill someone in situations like this.

So, finally, when McBeersALot Lady left to have a very pleasant and hazy evening, it was my turn. I scanned, bagged, and paid for my items in record time and even finished before Guy with Full Cart and Old Slowy Slowerson. I was even halfway home before I realized I'd forgotten the coffee creamer.

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