Last night was like a Conversations With My Roommate EXTRAVAGANZA. So good, you guys, but I can't remember them all. Sorry. Whatever, like you even care, Internets. On the way to the grocery last night (my third time this week!) we were sitting at a red light and I was doing my imitation of my boss and Heidi was making fun of me because of the way I was waving my arms around, like an animatronic character at Chuck E. Cheese or that robot thing from Lost In Space. My grandma used to make me watch that show when she babysat me. That and lots of game shows. Good times.
So, anyway, Heidi's making fun of me and we're both laughing and waving our arms around all "danger, danger Will Robinson!" and it's not until the light changes that I realize there is a guy in the lane next to us LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF. He hadn't even noticed that the light changed at first because he was too busy laughing at us. I was not embarrassed, just happy to bring a little bit of joy to someone in this cold, hard world. Then, at the grocery some old guy told us not to buy Kroger hamburger buns because he bought them once and they went bad in one day. I got a little offended that he was implying our buns were rotten, but I know he meant well. Also, at the grocery store Heidi was very proud of me because our total came to 69 dollars and I didn't yell, "HAHA 69!" or giggle even a little bit. Until we left the store, anyway.
On the way home, we totally solved some marriage problems, too. AND NOW, Conversations With My Roommate That My Family May Want to Never, Ever Read:
Heidi: I heard this lady on the radio today talking about how to talk to guys like a guy.
Me: Oh, yeah?
Heidi: Yeah, she said it works, too. Like, she stopped nagging her husband to do stuff and she'd just ask him once? And if he didn't do it, she'd be all, "Hey, stop being lazy and do this."
Me: So, basically, you just have to be mean to him?
Me: That doesn't sound healthy.
Heidi: No, but I guess it works.
Me: I think when I get married I'm going to trade sexual favors for chores.
Heidi: Haha, what, like one chore is worth two blowjobs?
Me: Well, it would depend on the chore. Like, mowing the lawn is three blowjobs, to be given at the recipient's convenience.
Heidi: Only, not consecutively.
Heidi: You need resting time.
Me: Right. And if it's a small chore, like emptying the dishwasher? You get a handjob.
Heidi: I thought you were gonna say handshake.
Me: No, that's for something like, I don't know, opening the car door.
Me: Yeah, and for other small chores . . . I don't know.
Heidi: He could watch you undress!
Me: Haha, yeah . . . "ok, honey, I won't wear flannel pajamas tonight, I'll wear a nightie."
Heidi: This will help so many people.
Me: Yes, although they probably shouldn't take my advice, since I've never been married.
Me: By the way, this is so Conversations With My Roommate material.
Me: Maybe one day I'll have enough to publish a book of Conversations With My Roommate.
Heidi: Hey, that can be your whatever it's called novel.
Heidi: What did Beau call it? Your NanoMonkey thing?
Me: It's not NanoMonkey!
Heidi: Whatever, at first I thought you were talking about some place in New York.
Heidi: Because of all the capital letters? Like SOHO?
Me: Oh my god. You did not just say that.
Heidi: Ha. Yeah, I did.
Me: I can't wait to tell the Internets.
For the record, I am not doing NaNoWriMo (it's not Nanomonkey, BEAU) or NaBloPoMo or NaNoPOOmo or whatever they're called. Not because I'm lazy, because I'm REALISTIC. What, stop laughing.