Friday, October 29, 2004

why I smell like wet dog

How to give an 80 pound Lab a bath:
  • Gather supplies. You'll need shampoo, of course, as well as three towels. Old towels. Better make that four.
  • Change into old clothes that you can immediately throw away afterward.
  • Chase the dog around the house. Herd the dog into the bathroom. Shut and lock door.
  • Coax the dog into the bathtub.
  • Turn on the water. Let the dog sniff it and take a drink. DO NOT splash dog in face and then laugh hysterically.
  • Turn on the showerhead. Spray dog and wet entire body. Do not be fooled by the pathetic look dog gives you. It's a ruse. Dog is looking for opportunity to shake itself and spray water all over you.
  • Dog shakes itself and sprays water all over you. DO NOT attempt to dry yourself off. This will result in more shaking or a possible escape by dog.
  • Lather the dog with shampoo. Do not be fooled by innocent look on dog's face. Dog is waiting for you to get more shampoo so it can shake again.
  • Rinse dog. Avert eyes when dog shakes and sprays water AND shampoo all over you. Dog is trying to get shampoo in your eyes so it can escape.
  • Turn off water. Block tub so dog cannot jump out of the tub and soak the bathroom floor.
  • When dog jumps out of the tub and soaks the bathroom floor, grab a towel. Dry dog.
  • I said DRY the dog, not chase it around in circles holding the towel out helplessly.
  • Open bathroom door. Let dog run free.
  • Do not let dog knock you over as it runs psychotically around the house.
  • Wait for dog to get tired and sit down. Attack with towel.
  • Dry dog as best you can.
  • DO NOT let dog outside. Dog only wants to frolick in the leaves and rub itself in the dirt.
  • Tempt the dog away from the back door with treats.
  • Wait 5 minutes. Dog will fall into deep sleep.
  • Clean bathroom.
  • Oh, by the way, you should have probably brushed dog before bathing. All that hair will clog the drain.
  • Forget cleaning, burn down bathroom and start building anew.
  • Next time, bathe dog outside with a hose in a kiddie swimming pool.

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