- Gather supplies. You'll need shampoo, of course, as well as three towels. Old towels. Better make that four.
- Change into old clothes that you can immediately throw away afterward.
- Chase the dog around the house. Herd the dog into the bathroom. Shut and lock door.
- Coax the dog into the bathtub.
- Turn on the water. Let the dog sniff it and take a drink. DO NOT splash dog in face and then laugh hysterically.
- Turn on the showerhead. Spray dog and wet entire body. Do not be fooled by the pathetic look dog gives you. It's a ruse. Dog is looking for opportunity to shake itself and spray water all over you.
- Dog shakes itself and sprays water all over you. DO NOT attempt to dry yourself off. This will result in more shaking or a possible escape by dog.
- Lather the dog with shampoo. Do not be fooled by innocent look on dog's face. Dog is waiting for you to get more shampoo so it can shake again.
- Rinse dog. Avert eyes when dog shakes and sprays water AND shampoo all over you. Dog is trying to get shampoo in your eyes so it can escape.
- Turn off water. Block tub so dog cannot jump out of the tub and soak the bathroom floor.
- When dog jumps out of the tub and soaks the bathroom floor, grab a towel. Dry dog.
- I said DRY the dog, not chase it around in circles holding the towel out helplessly.
- Open bathroom door. Let dog run free.
- Do not let dog knock you over as it runs psychotically around the house.
- Wait for dog to get tired and sit down. Attack with towel.
- Dry dog as best you can.
- DO NOT let dog outside. Dog only wants to frolick in the leaves and rub itself in the dirt.
- Tempt the dog away from the back door with treats.
- Wait 5 minutes. Dog will fall into deep sleep.
- Clean bathroom.
- Oh, by the way, you should have probably brushed dog before bathing. All that hair will clog the drain.
- Forget cleaning, burn down bathroom and start building anew.
- Next time, bathe dog outside with a hose in a kiddie swimming pool.
Friday, October 29, 2004
why I smell like wet dog
How to give an 80 pound Lab a bath: