it's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in

You know how a lot of movies have karaoke scenes? Like , one of the main characters is forced to stand in front of a crowd of unfriendly faces and sing? And initially, they're all nervous and everyone is like, "Booooo! Get off the stage, loser!" but then the main character is all, "No, fuck YOU, I will now proceed to sing my ASS off, if you don't mind," and then they do. The rock the fuck out and maybe they're not very good (see: Cameron Diaz, My Best Friend's Wedding) but the crowd doesn't care because they're SO INTO IT.

The truth is, I've always sort of hoped this would happen to me. I don't understand this impulse. At all. I hate talking in front of people, even small groups, and I will only sing karaoke if I am so drunk that I won't remember it the next day. But I've always thought, if I were forced to get up on stage and sing, I might get that movie moment where everyone in the crowd is like, "oh my god, I heart that girl and must buy her a shot." I don't know WHY I think there is any chance of this happening, because if anyone ever tried to force me to get up on stage and sing, the most likely course of action I would take would be to kick them in the shin and then run into the bathroom and lock myself in one of the stalls. But, just in case(s), I've decided I need to be ready.

I need The Song. You know. The Song I will use to make everyone fall in love with me. It's a tricky prospect, and one I've been giving a lot of thought. I like to sing, you know, in the shower and in the car and OK around the apartment a lot, and I used to do a pretty killer Kelly Clarkson impression, but I would by no stretch of the imagination ever call myself a singer. So I need a really easy song. And obviously one with which I am already VERY familiar, like . . . "I Think I Love You" or "Ring of Fire." Or I could go another route and pick a song that doesn't require any singing ability whatsoever, like "Ice Ice Baby" or "I Like Big Butts," but would make people chuckle and say, "hee, that white girl is rapping."

OR I could choose a song that the crowd can't help but sing along to. Like "Livin on a Prayer" or EVEN BETTER "Don't Stop Believin." I mean, is there anyone in the world can hear, "She's just a small town girl . . ." and resist yelling, "livin in a LOOOOONLEY WOOOORD?" Because if there is such a person, I would like to meet them. So I could ask them what the hell is wrong with them. Anyway, if I'm singing one of these songs and everyone else is ALSO singing along, then they won't be paying me very much attention. Although, this probably also means they won't fall in love with me and buy me drinks, so that kind of defeats the point.

I think my best bet is to pick a song that I love. And I mean love like "I wanna have your baby and raise it and even though I will probably end up resenting both you and the baby for ruining my sanity AND my body, I can't help loving you anyway" love. So in that case, I think I'm gonna have to go with something like "Proud Mary" or "Don't Look Back in Anger."

The other night, we found out that this bar we really like has karaoke on Thursday nights. So, I don't know why I'm still sitting around talking to you people when CLEARLY I should be practicing.